Bullied: The healing begins...Part II

In college, I wasn't bullied anymore. I just had to figure out how to not be so messed up. Although the healing process would take many years, the long slow trek back would get worse before improving...

I slipped quietly into the university library. The girl behind the desk was gorgeous. For days I had worked on fooling my internal guards so that I could say hello to this beauty. As I approached the desk, it started. The symptoms were always centered on my left side. The muscles around my mouth started quivering as I began to bite down hard on my lips. The corner of my mouth started to twitch. The tongue began pushing against the bottom part of my mouth and then slashed across the inside of my teeth. The elbow flickered and the fingers moved almost uncontrollably. Popping a pistachio I chewed feverishly as I got the next nut under my upper lip. It was too late. I was in overdrive and was escalating out of control. As my mind maneuvered feverishly to control my anatomy, the physiological elements finished me off. Breathing rapidly increased, the left leg was gripped by a vise, and the foot felt heavy. The throat muscles tightened as all parts of my mouth moved incessantly. The panic set in as I emptied my last sources of energy to avoid collapsing. I was now a moment away from dry heaving. At this point, I knew there was no way I was going to move forward. Now my only chance of avoiding total embarrassment was to get out. So I did.

I walked around the perimeter of the campus to avoid as many people as possible. As I hit a quiet stretch, I could feel myself slowly settling down. No one was around which meant there was no one to impress… which meant I could return to my safe point of invisibility. Another day at school had been attempted with a recurring result. No classes were attended, no schoolwork was completed and I headed home elevated in stress and depleted in self-worth.

In order to reset my vitals to a functioning level, I had to separate my mind from reality. I got back to the apartment, slouched onto the sofa and turned on the TV. Cable had not yet come to pass so I had to settle for the soaps on one of the three network stations. After an hour, I was feeling better, but was quite aware that phase-two of surviving the day was soon to arrive...To be continued...

Bullied: The healing begins...

Bullying can scar you for life. After graduating from high school my life followed a hypersensitive crumbling path. The next eight years are a medicated blur, and yet, simultaneously, a calculated demonstration of survival tactics. Most of the names are forgotten but not the pummeling pain of existence. Just thinking about those days causes me to be physically debilitated as I try to transmit the daily trauma across these computer keys.

I was living in an apartment with one of many different roommates I would have as I scraped towards a college degree. I awoke on this Tuesday in October of the fall of 1980. My first class was at 8:00 and as usual my intention to be prepared had not come to fruition. I showered and consumed my usual two bowls of Captain Crunch. I chewed on the right because two teeth on the left were hurting bad. I hadn’t made it through a dentist appointment in over four years. Fulfilling the minimum hygienic expectations, I then initiated the survival techniques for the day. The pistachio supply was adequate and positioned in all the key locations; a handful in the two front pockets of my jeans, half a bag in my coat inside pocket, and another bag for backup placed under my passenger seat. This was going to be a distinctly tougher day as I had not been able to get my hands on the yellow pills for quite a few days.

Driving towards school, the radio was set on a golden oldies station as I drifted into my safe world of daydreams. I found some peace while I drove since I was in control and it was a place where I could be the person I always wanted to be. Today, I found solace as an amazing tennis player wowing the world with win after win at Wimbledon. Pulling into the school lot, I longed for that John Denver song to just go on and on so that the crowds would keep cheering. As I headed pass the baseball field towards the campus, I transformed myself and was now invisible. This was the absolute key to surviving for the day. I had given up on directing every neuron and fiber towards the cause of looking cool. I wasn’t anything but a piece of dirt that wandered through each day... wondering why was I of such little significance in this world.

I took the usual path working my way through the halls passing hundreds of students. They were not peers since there was no relationship or connection. I glanced at the pretty girls, envied the guys they were talking to, and wished so deeply that I could just be a part of all this. As I passed my class room I glanced in, considered entering for a second and then proceeded on by...To be continued

Counting my Blessings...

As I launch on a new voyage with the support of my wife and kids, my insides are blending into a homogeneous (Sorry…former science teacher) concoction of passion, excitement, vision, angst, doubt and fear. I acted on the decision to become an advocate for anti-bullying hoping to share, strategize and provide hope for students, parents and teachers.
Challenges abound, but on this morning I’m taking a quiet hour to reflect and to count my blessings:
1. God has blessed me with the strength to continue healing from the emotional damage of bullying. He has guided me along a path with a purpose. This route has tested me with tangled roots, unmarked forks, and hooded strangers with appealing poison apples. Despite the gauntlet faced each day, the path permeates with the love of my wife, daughter, son, family and friends.
2. God has blessed me by waking me up each morning, with the thought in my head that today will be a good day.
3. God has blessed me with vision to see the “Good” in every person
4. God has blessed me with a cholesterol level that remains steady at 95….Yes…95. I asked my doctor if this was too low. He laughed and told me to go enjoy a large grease-dripping cheeseburger!
5. God has blessed me with two children who love people and love to do things! One is a teen and the other is twelve. So they at times express the international teen signals; self-absorbed, back-talk to parents, fibbing (OK...they lie), etc. However, God has blessed each of them with a conscience, caring hearts, empathy, high-functioning neurons, passion, and the desire to fulfill dreams.
6. God has blessed me with an amazing wife. Her warmth, intellect, sensibility and unwavering love for me has kept us on the path together for over 25 years.
7. God has blessed me with with the strength to attain a quality education. He has also showed me that learning never stops as long as you continue to listen.
8. God has blessed me with the strength and willingness to forgive…..Boy that one took a long time…
9. God has blessed me with a desire to smile, cry and laugh every day.
10. God has blessed me with the fortitude to apologize and mean it. To all of you that have tolerated my stubbornness, self-pity, ego, blustering, bullying, and self-centered actions….I deeply apologize!

A Persistent and Proactive Anti-Bullying Plan

I think that if all of the bullying organizations came together we could significantly deter bullying in all our communities. A national coalition with passion and focus would be phenomenal. However, even with the most proactive creative pieces in place, some bullying would still occur. It is similar to the teenage drinking and driving issue. Kids are so well informed about the dangers but that voice of immortality still lingers on the shoulders of so many teens.

Despite the extraordinary programming and the horrific images, kids still get behind a wheel drunk or are persuaded to get into the backseat with an intoxicated driver. I think the same goes with "Bullying". The programs are more connective, the images are stronger, the media is relentless... yet kids and adults are still bullied.

So just as we do with the drinking/driving issue, we have to have a program that constantly reminds, informs and keeps the kids, teachers and parents in check. Every school system should have in place a mandatory anti-bullying presentation at the opening of school. The sterile power point shows have got to go. These programs need to be fed by emotion. A statistic sticks for a moment but feelings can impact a person for life. The presenting team must grab the audience so that the message burrows into their brains. Anyone connected to kids should receive mandatory training in order to develop a rapport with kids, recognize the signs of bullying and effectively respond. Parents have got to probe ( a tough tough challenge with teens). A parent has to start listening to what their child is not saying. Without exception, a short-term battle with your child will far outweigh the effects of a long-lasting war.

The ultimate goal is that we want every student, teacher and parent excited about school and feeling safe. We want students enjoying school every day and teachers enjoying coming to work each day.

Wouldn't it be great if we could keep the drama in theater class while spending the rest of the day focused on intellectual growth and accomplishment!

If you bully...

If we are going to eliminate bullying in our schools do we have to come up with innovative strategies? I say "No"... Let's return to what works. So here are my strategies for eradicating bullies from our school communities.
 1. If you bully, all electronic devices are off limits for the rest of your school year. You need information,,,
 read a book; you need a ride, use the school phone; you want a status, talk to someone face to face.

 2. If you bully you do good old-fashioned manual labor. Put on some gloves and pick up garbage around
 the school. Parents may not argue...if they do they are handed another pair of gloves.

 3.If you bully, you do not return to school until you and your parents writes an apology to the victim. Then
 you hand that apology to the victim in person while looking at them in the eye.

 4.If you bully you will be afraid to tell your parents because the punishment will be worse at home.

 5.If you bully, you don't play sports...your exercise will consist of mowing all your elderly neighbor's
 lawns, and cleaning all three family bathroom floors with a toothbrush, (We were luckier, most of us only
 had one)

 6. If you bully, you will be "Scared Straight".

 7. If you bully, "free time" is a memory.

 8. If you bully, you are assigned a seat in the cafe for the year. Then you stay and clean the cafe after lunch.

 9.  If you bully, you lose all pass privileges. No more bathroom passes...plan better.

 10. If you bully, you stay home with your parents. Sorry parents, you raised them...you fix them.

No Bullying today...Let's have fun... 10 people/events to chuckle about

1. Self-proclaimed Education Presidents....We haven't had one since Woodrow Wilson!
2. Reality shows. I've been on one. There is nothing real about them.
3. George Carlin...He never wasted a word!
4. No Child Left Behind...I've got some bad news...and...Don't turn around...
5. Sean Hannity of Fox News....A true journalist always presenting a non-biased perspective.
6. Jim Cantore from the Weather Channel... a flash of lightning, a rumble of thunder...Jim's on Air
    response..."Oh my God, did you hear that? It's going to be a long night for the people of this sleepy little
    town."
7. Scandals involving Divison 1 college football coaches...1.Friday: The Univ.of X is excited to welcome our
    new coach to lead us into the future. 2. Saturday night: The coach goes to a club and is caught
    later that night with three strippers in his hotel room. 3. Monday: The Athletic Director announces that the 
    coach is being released...but the good news is that he is only getting sent away with 2.5 million dollars
    from his original 7.2 million dollar contract!
8. M.A.S.H...Now that was quality television...a gauranteed laugh no matter how many times you had seen
    the re-runs.
9. Obamacare....Millions spent to determine if we should spend millions
10. Bill Cosby...Life's daily struggles transformed into laughter simply by telling a good clean story.

Bullying was hurting...but Healing was on the horizon

As I discussed yesterday, the eight years after high school were filled with nightmares, daydreams, and very little productive moments. I was hurting bad after so many years of being bullied. Every day I was in a mode of survival dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, depression and physical ailments. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I was too frightened and nervous to go to a dentist so by the age of 25, I had a cavity in every tooth in my mouth. I had many nervous ticks that were easily set off by interacting with people. The worst situations were when I with girls that I liked.

During my darkest days, my left arm and hand would twitch, my left leg got heavy and numb, the left side of my head always felt pressure on the temple. However, the most devastating symptom was the constant sense that I was going to dry heave. many times I did and of course this did not set me up fro many second dates. So I again designed a method of survival. As long as I always had something chewable in my mouth, I usually managed to put off the heaving. After experimenting with several items, I eventually settled on pistachios. Every morning my routine, along with showering and dressing, included the strategic location of pistachios for the daily activities. I made sure I had some in both front pockets of my pants and in the inside pocket of my jacket. There was also backup supplies located in my car, bedroom dresser and kitchen. If I was running low, I had to get a new supply at all costs. I missed appointments and failed to meet responsibilities. The pistachios were so aligned with me, that I regularly received them as Christmas presents because others assumed that I just liked them.

By the time I was 25, I was physically and emotionally a minimal blob of existence. (OK...that was a little wordy). Avoidance became my most painless method of survival. Some friends hung in there with me, but most tired of my lack of dependability, and direction. They got sick of wasted words, my daily personae of pity, and the absurdity of the panic attacks.

The day after labor day in 1985, I started classes again at the University of Lowell. I did have a bachelor's degree in business but had slid in and out of several jobs with no sense of purpose or passion. Now I was back in school to pursue a degree in Biology, attempting to convince myself that this was the real deal. All of my peers were off starting careers, getting married, buying houses and having kids. I was forging forward through another fall doing everything possible to avoid commitment and responsibility.

On the second day of school a moment occurred that would change my life forever. It was that second in time where the transition from "Hurt" to "Healing" began.  This stunningly gorgeous Biology student came up to me and asked me a question in the hall at school. I felt as if I was looking into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. As I began to respond to her question, something amazing happened: I didn't reach for a pistachio, I didn't twitch, I didn't feel a need to get away, I was coherent and I smiled! The "Healing" (although the process would take several years ) began at that very instant....To be continued....

Bullied: Hurt, Healing and Hope

After 3 year of talk, thought and planning I have made the decision to resign from Beaufort County School District. I will be focusing my energy on an antibullying program titled, "Bullied: Hurt, Healing and Hope". There are 4 major points to the program:
1. I tell my stories opening up to the emotional and physical struggles that I experienced.
2. I inform and educate providing strategies for deterring and stopping bullying.
3. I make the bullies aware that a moment of laughter leads to a life of struggle for victims.
4. I provide a message and support system of Hope. Life can and will get better.

 Programs are age appropriate each with their own perspective. So far I have made presentations at four Beaufort County Boys and Girls Clubs, McCracken Middle School and Hilton Head Island Rec. My web page should be launching later this week. I am making this program available to any non-profit organizations in Beaufort County for no cost through mid-August. Give me a call at 843-422-9793 or e-mail me at sanzeducate@aol.com.
 Programs for other groups include:
• Parents:               Understanding what your child is not saying.
 • Teachers:            Rapport, Recognition, Response
• Survivors:            Coping, Hoping and Solutions
 • Community:        Just like a Natural Disaster: Prepare in Advance
 • Grandparents:    How can I Help?
 • Workplace:        Talented, Qualified and Driven: Targets for Bullies.

The long term goal is to provide a tough message, strategies and avenues of hope for kids, teachers, parents and survivors. This program will spread from Beaufort County, through South Carolina, and throughout this country. Forming coalitions with other anti-bullying organizations we will end the hurt and fear of bullying. My personal goal is to see all kids feeling safe in any social situations and enjoying coming to school every day.

Has it been worth it?

When I was a young adult, I was such a quiet guy. I didn't share my view and kept most things inside. During my first seven years as a teacher I kept my views guarded. When I shifted to administration in 1998, the passion I had towards facilitating outstanding educational opportunities for all kids, really began to intensify. By the time I took my first principalship in 2002, I was fired up and had a lot to say. My vision for community and academic success drove me forward. So I passionately expressed my views.

I found out that change and strength of character scares people.

1. I went to the school board and superintendent in my second year as principal at Epping Middle high School and presented a vision to turn the Epping school communities into one of the finest in the country. I told them that it would be hard and some would fight the change. I told them I was willing to take all the hits. The superintendent and the board agreed to support me 100%. The school board offered me a four year extension on the spot to validate their support. The superintendent and I came up with a plan for implementation. The process began, people got scared and the superintendent collapsed. She allowed the old guard, that she agreed was the crux of the problem, to take control of the school.

2. I took a position as Head of School for a private education institution on HHI. The owner was a tyrant. When I arrived the teachers had sub-standard pay and no medical benefits. The curriculum was questionable. Half the classes did not have textbooks. SCISA was challenging our legitimacy as a secondary school. The NCAA was challenging the credibility of our graduates. I fought for students and teachers for three years. In the third year the owner called me in and said... "without question this is a better quality school now then when you arrived over two years ago. However, I liked it better when it was a lousy school and I was making more money." Then he convinced the new investors that I was spending over budget when in actuality he had cooked the books shifting other business venture expenditures into my lines. The result, I was convinced to agree to a mutual arrangement that sent me on my way.

3. The superintendent of schools in Beaufort County told me I was the kind of administrator she was looking for. She toldme that I would be a principal in the system in no time. She also told me I could always talk to her if I had concerns. Seven months later I had a concern, so I spoke. I was transferred, demoted and many attempts were made to get me to quit. I expressed my concerns and the papers got a hold of my e-mail to all my colleagues. Between e-mails, phone and personal conversation, over 400 employees in the district have expressed their support for what I said. The standard component of every conversation was a piece in which these people expressed concern about losing their job if they publicly supported me. In the last year I was given a negative review, (I got an attorney. They conducted a new review and I received excellent marks...the district also agreed to shred the bad review.)and not given the opportunity to return to an administrative position despite the fact that I am one of the most experienced administrators in the district.

4. I have been an HHBA little league baseball coach for three years. It has been a joy to coach so many fine young boys and particularly to coach my son. This year I stood up to the chairman of the HHBA committee and to another coach. The chairman is a bully and the other coach is sneaky and demonstrates questionable ethics as a coach. I simply stood up in front of them and called them on the carpet. The vast majority of the other coaches and parents know about these guys and have witnessed their actions. Because of my honesty, I have been banned from coaching my son and was even asked not to come on the field when my son's all-star team was practicing. Never have I ever seen a parent not welcomed onto a field to help out. I have seniority as an HHBA coach and twenty years experience as a high school coach, athletic director, teacher and principal. It would be difficult to find a parent that did not support my philosophy and actions as a coach for their kids.

So I ask myself the question, "Has it been worth it?" Absolutely!!!

No matter how people react, my children will always know and believe that Dad stood up for what he believed in...that he cared deeply about kids...and that he followed the right path, not the easy one!

10 ways to Improve Respect & Discipline in School.

10 Ways to Improve Respect and Discipline in Schools.
1. Hire administrators and teachers that couldn’t care less about being politically correct.
2. Eliminate warnings, negotiations and rescheduling in the discipline protocol. The only warning is on day one when the student receives their student manual.
3. Forget about teaching to the test. Teach to the focal point of passion.
4. Expel the 5 % of the kids who couldn’t care less about school and who daily impede upon the educational opportunities of others.
5. Celebrate the quality, heart and passion of teachers and mean it.
6. Tell the parent that comes in looking to find fault in everyone as a cover for their child’s imperfections…to take a hike….then have the SRO escort them out of the building.
7. If a student does not do their homework, prepare for class or study…give them what they deserve…..an “F”.
8. Expect all students in American schools to speak in full sentences, look you in the eye, do the multiplication table through 12, spell properly, exude manners, and speak English.
9. If you pass everything, you play. If you fail anything, you sit.
10. Manual labor should be the standard form of discipline for not doing your homework. Let them get used to what it will be like in 10 years if they don’t carry through with their education.