Bullied: The healing begins...Part II

In college, I wasn't bullied anymore. I just had to figure out how to not be so messed up. Although the healing process would take many years, the long slow trek back would get worse before improving...

I slipped quietly into the university library. The girl behind the desk was gorgeous. For days I had worked on fooling my internal guards so that I could say hello to this beauty. As I approached the desk, it started. The symptoms were always centered on my left side. The muscles around my mouth started quivering as I began to bite down hard on my lips. The corner of my mouth started to twitch. The tongue began pushing against the bottom part of my mouth and then slashed across the inside of my teeth. The elbow flickered and the fingers moved almost uncontrollably. Popping a pistachio I chewed feverishly as I got the next nut under my upper lip. It was too late. I was in overdrive and was escalating out of control. As my mind maneuvered feverishly to control my anatomy, the physiological elements finished me off. Breathing rapidly increased, the left leg was gripped by a vise, and the foot felt heavy. The throat muscles tightened as all parts of my mouth moved incessantly. The panic set in as I emptied my last sources of energy to avoid collapsing. I was now a moment away from dry heaving. At this point, I knew there was no way I was going to move forward. Now my only chance of avoiding total embarrassment was to get out. So I did.

I walked around the perimeter of the campus to avoid as many people as possible. As I hit a quiet stretch, I could feel myself slowly settling down. No one was around which meant there was no one to impress… which meant I could return to my safe point of invisibility. Another day at school had been attempted with a recurring result. No classes were attended, no schoolwork was completed and I headed home elevated in stress and depleted in self-worth.

In order to reset my vitals to a functioning level, I had to separate my mind from reality. I got back to the apartment, slouched onto the sofa and turned on the TV. Cable had not yet come to pass so I had to settle for the soaps on one of the three network stations. After an hour, I was feeling better, but was quite aware that phase-two of surviving the day was soon to arrive...To be continued...

7 Tips for Family Survival in 2012

1. Hear what your kids are not saying. a. When you ask your teen how the day was, the response is always “fine”. In many cases this is a normal teenager energy reserve response. However, if something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. Now you have got to probe deeper and get your child to talk. It will be difficult, painful and possibly loud. However, we are talking about the long-term well-being of your child. 2. Illegalize all electronic devices in your child’s room after they turn in for the night. a. No…I’m not kidding. Have your kids hand over their cell phones, computers, I Pads, etc., etc. The 24/7 constant information barrage is not healthy. b. If they refuse, do not let them into their bedrooms. No negotiations…They need to sleep. 3. Do not allow your kids to lock their bedroom doors. a. Give them their deserved privacy…which means you will knock before entering. b. People lock doors when they don’t want others to know what is being said or done. We have the right as parents to know everything that our kids say or do! c. If they refuse your request, remove the door when they leave for school and ask your neighbor if you can keep it in their garage….I guarantee they won’t lock it when you give them a second chance. 4. Require that you children give you their access passwords to all computer accounts. a. Remind your kids that any access to these things is a privilege which can be removed because of poor behavior, poor grades, poor hygiene, etc. i. Last year my daughter was going through a philosophical struggle which involved being irresponsible and disrespectful to her parents. I got on her Facebook, changed her password and left the following message: “Dear Facebook Friends: My daughter will not be sharing with you on Facebook for an undetermined period of time until she regains her senses. This will occur when she shows appreciation and respect for her parents, cleans her room, does all schoolwork on time, and quits talking back.” Signed “Dad” 5. Accept the fact that your tween or teenager lies. a. This is a challenging one for many parents to come to grips with. After 23 years as an educator and 17 years as a parent it is just the cold hard truth. You can adjust the term to “fib”, “alter”, “forget”, “contrive”. The reality is that kids’ minds work within a very small window of time. For example, it’s Thursday and your child gets in trouble in school. He has been waiting for two weeks to join his buddies after school on Friday for a sleepover weekend. I guarantee you that your son or daughter will adjust the details so that they can participate in the sleepover. b. These kids are not bad kids….they are kids. c. So do the right thing…don’t let them join the sleepover. d. I suggest wearing ear plugs when you announce your decision so that the whining, drama and screams will just be a dull nuisance. 6. Ask questions, verify answers, a. Ask the following questions: i. Who will you be with? Will their parents be at home? Who is driving? What specifically will you be doing? ii. Do not accept any answer that begins with: “I think so”, or “Mary…and a couple of other kids”. b. Verify answers: i. Call the other parents. 7. While having meals as a family, no electronic devices will be permitted: a. No TV…No smart phones…No texting….No computers… b. Only allow conversation and proper table manners!

A Persistent and Proactive Anti-Bullying Plan

I think that if all of the bullying organizations came together we could significantly deter bullying in all our communities. A national coalition with passion and focus would be phenomenal. However, even with the most proactive creative pieces in place, some bullying would still occur. It is similar to the teenage drinking and driving issue. Kids are so well informed about the dangers but that voice of immortality still lingers on the shoulders of so many teens.

Despite the extraordinary programming and the horrific images, kids still get behind a wheel drunk or are persuaded to get into the backseat with an intoxicated driver. I think the same goes with "Bullying". The programs are more connective, the images are stronger, the media is relentless... yet kids and adults are still bullied.

So just as we do with the drinking/driving issue, we have to have a program that constantly reminds, informs and keeps the kids, teachers and parents in check. Every school system should have in place a mandatory anti-bullying presentation at the opening of school. The sterile power point shows have got to go. These programs need to be fed by emotion. A statistic sticks for a moment but feelings can impact a person for life. The presenting team must grab the audience so that the message burrows into their brains. Anyone connected to kids should receive mandatory training in order to develop a rapport with kids, recognize the signs of bullying and effectively respond. Parents have got to probe ( a tough tough challenge with teens). A parent has to start listening to what their child is not saying. Without exception, a short-term battle with your child will far outweigh the effects of a long-lasting war.

The ultimate goal is that we want every student, teacher and parent excited about school and feeling safe. We want students enjoying school every day and teachers enjoying coming to work each day.

Wouldn't it be great if we could keep the drama in theater class while spending the rest of the day focused on intellectual growth and accomplishment!

If you bully...

If we are going to eliminate bullying in our schools do we have to come up with innovative strategies? I say "No"... Let's return to what works. So here are my strategies for eradicating bullies from our school communities.
 1. If you bully, all electronic devices are off limits for the rest of your school year. You need information,,,
 read a book; you need a ride, use the school phone; you want a status, talk to someone face to face.

 2. If you bully you do good old-fashioned manual labor. Put on some gloves and pick up garbage around
 the school. Parents may not argue...if they do they are handed another pair of gloves.

 3.If you bully, you do not return to school until you and your parents writes an apology to the victim. Then
 you hand that apology to the victim in person while looking at them in the eye.

 4.If you bully you will be afraid to tell your parents because the punishment will be worse at home.

 5.If you bully, you don't play sports...your exercise will consist of mowing all your elderly neighbor's
 lawns, and cleaning all three family bathroom floors with a toothbrush, (We were luckier, most of us only
 had one)

 6. If you bully, you will be "Scared Straight".

 7. If you bully, "free time" is a memory.

 8. If you bully, you are assigned a seat in the cafe for the year. Then you stay and clean the cafe after lunch.

 9.  If you bully, you lose all pass privileges. No more bathroom passes...plan better.

 10. If you bully, you stay home with your parents. Sorry parents, you raised them...you fix them.

Holding on to Hope through the Hurt of Bullying

"Hope" is a crucial word that I use during my anti-bullying presentations. I want kids to know that what I went through really hurt. I want them to know that the healing process can be at times challenging, unbearable and brutal. However, if there is no perspective of hope then those that hear me will end up doing what too many young people are doing. They will shut down believing that there is no way that things are going to get better. I know it gets better and I want to share with everyone that will listen that life can be awesome again, and a purpose for living is right there in front of you. When I was at my worst during the post-bullying years, getting out of bed was an exhausting chore. I knew that as soon as I faced other humans, I returned immediately to those feelings of worthlessness. I survived by avoiding connections with people. I was so afraid that they would quickly find out what a useless piece of dirt that I was. For about 8 years from 18 through 26 my daily walk through life was akin to a B-rated horror movie; something/someone was always lurking causing me discomfort and leading to irrational actions. I was a paranoid hypochondriac with neurotic tendencies. Underneath this craziness was simply a guy that wanted to be accepted and liked. I avoided high places because I would shake uncontrollably and stare down the constant fear that I would jump. I never did jump and there was never anything physically wrong with me. At the end of each day, I would feel such a relief when I knew I wouldn't have to face anyone else that day. I would allow myself to breath and then deal with the utter exhaustion of surviving the day. Sleep was tough and would eventually come after several hours of television or movie diversions. You are probably asking how could you continue every day. I don't know except that in the back corner of my mind was a slight stirring driving me towards a better day. In 1985, at the age of 26, the first inklings of a healing process began......More tomorrow...

Website Launched

I launched my website today, http://www.mikesanzeducate.com/. I'm so excited to finally get started and work towards ending bullying and supporting survivors throughout this country. So lets get started. The student program is developing and getting stronger every day. Teacher and parent programs are in the design stage. I'll present to any non-profit in Beaufort County at no cost through mid-August. E-mail me at sanzeducate@aol.com or call me at 843-422-9793 if you would like me to speak to, share with, and support your group.

Parent Tip of the Day:  When your children check in for the night, have them turn their smart phones, I pads,
                                   and computers over to you. Let them focus on sleep and rest without the media from
                                   10 PM until 6 AM.  (Crazy...maybe...Brilliant...probably).

Bullied: Hurt, Healing and Hope

After 3 year of talk, thought and planning I have made the decision to resign from Beaufort County School District. I will be focusing my energy on an antibullying program titled, "Bullied: Hurt, Healing and Hope". There are 4 major points to the program:
1. I tell my stories opening up to the emotional and physical struggles that I experienced.
2. I inform and educate providing strategies for deterring and stopping bullying.
3. I make the bullies aware that a moment of laughter leads to a life of struggle for victims.
4. I provide a message and support system of Hope. Life can and will get better.

 Programs are age appropriate each with their own perspective. So far I have made presentations at four Beaufort County Boys and Girls Clubs, McCracken Middle School and Hilton Head Island Rec. My web page should be launching later this week. I am making this program available to any non-profit organizations in Beaufort County for no cost through mid-August. Give me a call at 843-422-9793 or e-mail me at sanzeducate@aol.com.
 Programs for other groups include:
• Parents:               Understanding what your child is not saying.
 • Teachers:            Rapport, Recognition, Response
• Survivors:            Coping, Hoping and Solutions
 • Community:        Just like a Natural Disaster: Prepare in Advance
 • Grandparents:    How can I Help?
 • Workplace:        Talented, Qualified and Driven: Targets for Bullies.

The long term goal is to provide a tough message, strategies and avenues of hope for kids, teachers, parents and survivors. This program will spread from Beaufort County, through South Carolina, and throughout this country. Forming coalitions with other anti-bullying organizations we will end the hurt and fear of bullying. My personal goal is to see all kids feeling safe in any social situations and enjoying coming to school every day.

Ten Words worth Defining...

Ten Words worth Defining…
1. Parental Love: Actions, responses, feelings, and decisions in which on several occasions the correct word is simply, “No”.
2. Integrity: Actions that you see on the outside are the same as what the person is thinking on the inside.
3. Winning: A moment in time to be cherished and remembered… not to be embellished, or placed on the same platform of importance as the process necessary to attain that win.
4. Losing: Events in life from which you should draw strength, wisdom, patience, perseverance, grace, humor, and vision.
5. Role Model: An imperfect human being whose outstanding skills, charisma, charm, looks and appeal is minimized by the immensity of his or her morality.
6. Education: A lifelong pursuit down a perilous potholed path with several open doors lining the route. Another easier parallel path exists, but the doors are closing quickly, barricaded or locked.
7. Courage: Actions leading to lasting positive changes; with clear expectations of being pummeled, and the joy of recognizing our true friends.
8. Discipline: Holding back in order to move forward.
9. Respect: The foundation upon which all interactions with my parents and teachers were built.
10. Happiness: Looking in the mirror and walking away with an internal warm smile.

10 Things that make it a Good Day for a Middle Age Man

10 Events that Highlight a Middle Age Man’s Day!
1. When you are able to slide out of bed with less than 3 body joints hurting. I did say slide…the last time you jumped was 10 years ago when you realized you had missed your tee time!
2. When you have a nice fluent flow in the morning…without any wait time.
3. When an attractive woman smiles at you and you don’t have either your dog or your cute grandchild with you.
4. When your wife smiles at you and you don’t have either your dog or your cute grandchild with you.
5. When you don’t fall down the stairs while looking for your glasses because you can’t see anything.
6. When you can just enjoy the flavorful taste of a cookie not packaged by Metamucil.
7. When you can sit down for dinner with every family member accounted for and present.
8. When you can stay awake throughout the whole movie.
9. When you leave in the morning…with a job and return that evening…with a job!
10. When you go to bed, you aren’t bothered by indigestion, caffeine jitters, back pain, insomnia, the neighbor’s rap music, or one immensely irritating cricket.

Ten Statements made by Teachers that Enhance your Child's Education.

1. Your brain should be tired by the end of the school day because you challenged yourself today...not because
you wasted brain cells texting until 3:00 AM this morning.

2. Yes....spelling counts!

3. If you would like to do better in my class, take all electronic devices out of your room and hand your
cell phone over to your parents after 8:00 PM every night.

4. Who said anything about being easy?

5. Please use full sentences.

6. When a middle or high school student tells the teacher that they don't have a pencil, paper or their book
after the first week, the teacher's response should be..."That's your problem, deal with it".

7. When I'm talking...you aren't!

8. Work is an expectation, not an option!

9. Studying is hard...Digging ditches is harder!

10. Your parents owe you food, shelter and an education...everything else is a priviledge. If you decide to ignore
your education, there will be no extracurricular activities, no time with friends, no electronic devices, no
name brand clothes, no use of the car, no spending money, no dating, etc., etc.