Bullied: The healing begins...Part II

In college, I wasn't bullied anymore. I just had to figure out how to not be so messed up. Although the healing process would take many years, the long slow trek back would get worse before improving...

I slipped quietly into the university library. The girl behind the desk was gorgeous. For days I had worked on fooling my internal guards so that I could say hello to this beauty. As I approached the desk, it started. The symptoms were always centered on my left side. The muscles around my mouth started quivering as I began to bite down hard on my lips. The corner of my mouth started to twitch. The tongue began pushing against the bottom part of my mouth and then slashed across the inside of my teeth. The elbow flickered and the fingers moved almost uncontrollably. Popping a pistachio I chewed feverishly as I got the next nut under my upper lip. It was too late. I was in overdrive and was escalating out of control. As my mind maneuvered feverishly to control my anatomy, the physiological elements finished me off. Breathing rapidly increased, the left leg was gripped by a vise, and the foot felt heavy. The throat muscles tightened as all parts of my mouth moved incessantly. The panic set in as I emptied my last sources of energy to avoid collapsing. I was now a moment away from dry heaving. At this point, I knew there was no way I was going to move forward. Now my only chance of avoiding total embarrassment was to get out. So I did.

I walked around the perimeter of the campus to avoid as many people as possible. As I hit a quiet stretch, I could feel myself slowly settling down. No one was around which meant there was no one to impress… which meant I could return to my safe point of invisibility. Another day at school had been attempted with a recurring result. No classes were attended, no schoolwork was completed and I headed home elevated in stress and depleted in self-worth.

In order to reset my vitals to a functioning level, I had to separate my mind from reality. I got back to the apartment, slouched onto the sofa and turned on the TV. Cable had not yet come to pass so I had to settle for the soaps on one of the three network stations. After an hour, I was feeling better, but was quite aware that phase-two of surviving the day was soon to arrive...To be continued...

Bullied: The healing begins...

Bullying can scar you for life. After graduating from high school my life followed a hypersensitive crumbling path. The next eight years are a medicated blur, and yet, simultaneously, a calculated demonstration of survival tactics. Most of the names are forgotten but not the pummeling pain of existence. Just thinking about those days causes me to be physically debilitated as I try to transmit the daily trauma across these computer keys.

I was living in an apartment with one of many different roommates I would have as I scraped towards a college degree. I awoke on this Tuesday in October of the fall of 1980. My first class was at 8:00 and as usual my intention to be prepared had not come to fruition. I showered and consumed my usual two bowls of Captain Crunch. I chewed on the right because two teeth on the left were hurting bad. I hadn’t made it through a dentist appointment in over four years. Fulfilling the minimum hygienic expectations, I then initiated the survival techniques for the day. The pistachio supply was adequate and positioned in all the key locations; a handful in the two front pockets of my jeans, half a bag in my coat inside pocket, and another bag for backup placed under my passenger seat. This was going to be a distinctly tougher day as I had not been able to get my hands on the yellow pills for quite a few days.

Driving towards school, the radio was set on a golden oldies station as I drifted into my safe world of daydreams. I found some peace while I drove since I was in control and it was a place where I could be the person I always wanted to be. Today, I found solace as an amazing tennis player wowing the world with win after win at Wimbledon. Pulling into the school lot, I longed for that John Denver song to just go on and on so that the crowds would keep cheering. As I headed pass the baseball field towards the campus, I transformed myself and was now invisible. This was the absolute key to surviving for the day. I had given up on directing every neuron and fiber towards the cause of looking cool. I wasn’t anything but a piece of dirt that wandered through each day... wondering why was I of such little significance in this world.

I took the usual path working my way through the halls passing hundreds of students. They were not peers since there was no relationship or connection. I glanced at the pretty girls, envied the guys they were talking to, and wished so deeply that I could just be a part of all this. As I passed my class room I glanced in, considered entering for a second and then proceeded on by...To be continued

Counting my Blessings...

As I launch on a new voyage with the support of my wife and kids, my insides are blending into a homogeneous (Sorry…former science teacher) concoction of passion, excitement, vision, angst, doubt and fear. I acted on the decision to become an advocate for anti-bullying hoping to share, strategize and provide hope for students, parents and teachers.
Challenges abound, but on this morning I’m taking a quiet hour to reflect and to count my blessings:
1. God has blessed me with the strength to continue healing from the emotional damage of bullying. He has guided me along a path with a purpose. This route has tested me with tangled roots, unmarked forks, and hooded strangers with appealing poison apples. Despite the gauntlet faced each day, the path permeates with the love of my wife, daughter, son, family and friends.
2. God has blessed me by waking me up each morning, with the thought in my head that today will be a good day.
3. God has blessed me with vision to see the “Good” in every person
4. God has blessed me with a cholesterol level that remains steady at 95….Yes…95. I asked my doctor if this was too low. He laughed and told me to go enjoy a large grease-dripping cheeseburger!
5. God has blessed me with two children who love people and love to do things! One is a teen and the other is twelve. So they at times express the international teen signals; self-absorbed, back-talk to parents, fibbing (OK...they lie), etc. However, God has blessed each of them with a conscience, caring hearts, empathy, high-functioning neurons, passion, and the desire to fulfill dreams.
6. God has blessed me with an amazing wife. Her warmth, intellect, sensibility and unwavering love for me has kept us on the path together for over 25 years.
7. God has blessed me with with the strength to attain a quality education. He has also showed me that learning never stops as long as you continue to listen.
8. God has blessed me with the strength and willingness to forgive…..Boy that one took a long time…
9. God has blessed me with a desire to smile, cry and laugh every day.
10. God has blessed me with the fortitude to apologize and mean it. To all of you that have tolerated my stubbornness, self-pity, ego, blustering, bullying, and self-centered actions….I deeply apologize!

A Persistent and Proactive Anti-Bullying Plan

I think that if all of the bullying organizations came together we could significantly deter bullying in all our communities. A national coalition with passion and focus would be phenomenal. However, even with the most proactive creative pieces in place, some bullying would still occur. It is similar to the teenage drinking and driving issue. Kids are so well informed about the dangers but that voice of immortality still lingers on the shoulders of so many teens.

Despite the extraordinary programming and the horrific images, kids still get behind a wheel drunk or are persuaded to get into the backseat with an intoxicated driver. I think the same goes with "Bullying". The programs are more connective, the images are stronger, the media is relentless... yet kids and adults are still bullied.

So just as we do with the drinking/driving issue, we have to have a program that constantly reminds, informs and keeps the kids, teachers and parents in check. Every school system should have in place a mandatory anti-bullying presentation at the opening of school. The sterile power point shows have got to go. These programs need to be fed by emotion. A statistic sticks for a moment but feelings can impact a person for life. The presenting team must grab the audience so that the message burrows into their brains. Anyone connected to kids should receive mandatory training in order to develop a rapport with kids, recognize the signs of bullying and effectively respond. Parents have got to probe ( a tough tough challenge with teens). A parent has to start listening to what their child is not saying. Without exception, a short-term battle with your child will far outweigh the effects of a long-lasting war.

The ultimate goal is that we want every student, teacher and parent excited about school and feeling safe. We want students enjoying school every day and teachers enjoying coming to work each day.

Wouldn't it be great if we could keep the drama in theater class while spending the rest of the day focused on intellectual growth and accomplishment!

If you bully...

If we are going to eliminate bullying in our schools do we have to come up with innovative strategies? I say "No"... Let's return to what works. So here are my strategies for eradicating bullies from our school communities.
 1. If you bully, all electronic devices are off limits for the rest of your school year. You need information,,,
 read a book; you need a ride, use the school phone; you want a status, talk to someone face to face.

 2. If you bully you do good old-fashioned manual labor. Put on some gloves and pick up garbage around
 the school. Parents may not argue...if they do they are handed another pair of gloves.

 3.If you bully, you do not return to school until you and your parents writes an apology to the victim. Then
 you hand that apology to the victim in person while looking at them in the eye.

 4.If you bully you will be afraid to tell your parents because the punishment will be worse at home.

 5.If you bully, you don't play sports...your exercise will consist of mowing all your elderly neighbor's
 lawns, and cleaning all three family bathroom floors with a toothbrush, (We were luckier, most of us only
 had one)

 6. If you bully, you will be "Scared Straight".

 7. If you bully, "free time" is a memory.

 8. If you bully, you are assigned a seat in the cafe for the year. Then you stay and clean the cafe after lunch.

 9.  If you bully, you lose all pass privileges. No more bathroom passes...plan better.

 10. If you bully, you stay home with your parents. Sorry parents, you raised them...you fix them.

Bullying was hurting...but Healing was on the horizon

As I discussed yesterday, the eight years after high school were filled with nightmares, daydreams, and very little productive moments. I was hurting bad after so many years of being bullied. Every day I was in a mode of survival dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, depression and physical ailments. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I was too frightened and nervous to go to a dentist so by the age of 25, I had a cavity in every tooth in my mouth. I had many nervous ticks that were easily set off by interacting with people. The worst situations were when I with girls that I liked.

During my darkest days, my left arm and hand would twitch, my left leg got heavy and numb, the left side of my head always felt pressure on the temple. However, the most devastating symptom was the constant sense that I was going to dry heave. many times I did and of course this did not set me up fro many second dates. So I again designed a method of survival. As long as I always had something chewable in my mouth, I usually managed to put off the heaving. After experimenting with several items, I eventually settled on pistachios. Every morning my routine, along with showering and dressing, included the strategic location of pistachios for the daily activities. I made sure I had some in both front pockets of my pants and in the inside pocket of my jacket. There was also backup supplies located in my car, bedroom dresser and kitchen. If I was running low, I had to get a new supply at all costs. I missed appointments and failed to meet responsibilities. The pistachios were so aligned with me, that I regularly received them as Christmas presents because others assumed that I just liked them.

By the time I was 25, I was physically and emotionally a minimal blob of existence. (OK...that was a little wordy). Avoidance became my most painless method of survival. Some friends hung in there with me, but most tired of my lack of dependability, and direction. They got sick of wasted words, my daily personae of pity, and the absurdity of the panic attacks.

The day after labor day in 1985, I started classes again at the University of Lowell. I did have a bachelor's degree in business but had slid in and out of several jobs with no sense of purpose or passion. Now I was back in school to pursue a degree in Biology, attempting to convince myself that this was the real deal. All of my peers were off starting careers, getting married, buying houses and having kids. I was forging forward through another fall doing everything possible to avoid commitment and responsibility.

On the second day of school a moment occurred that would change my life forever. It was that second in time where the transition from "Hurt" to "Healing" began.  This stunningly gorgeous Biology student came up to me and asked me a question in the hall at school. I felt as if I was looking into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. As I began to respond to her question, something amazing happened: I didn't reach for a pistachio, I didn't twitch, I didn't feel a need to get away, I was coherent and I smiled! The "Healing" (although the process would take several years ) began at that very instant....To be continued....

Holding on to Hope through the Hurt of Bullying

"Hope" is a crucial word that I use during my anti-bullying presentations. I want kids to know that what I went through really hurt. I want them to know that the healing process can be at times challenging, unbearable and brutal. However, if there is no perspective of hope then those that hear me will end up doing what too many young people are doing. They will shut down believing that there is no way that things are going to get better. I know it gets better and I want to share with everyone that will listen that life can be awesome again, and a purpose for living is right there in front of you. When I was at my worst during the post-bullying years, getting out of bed was an exhausting chore. I knew that as soon as I faced other humans, I returned immediately to those feelings of worthlessness. I survived by avoiding connections with people. I was so afraid that they would quickly find out what a useless piece of dirt that I was. For about 8 years from 18 through 26 my daily walk through life was akin to a B-rated horror movie; something/someone was always lurking causing me discomfort and leading to irrational actions. I was a paranoid hypochondriac with neurotic tendencies. Underneath this craziness was simply a guy that wanted to be accepted and liked. I avoided high places because I would shake uncontrollably and stare down the constant fear that I would jump. I never did jump and there was never anything physically wrong with me. At the end of each day, I would feel such a relief when I knew I wouldn't have to face anyone else that day. I would allow myself to breath and then deal with the utter exhaustion of surviving the day. Sleep was tough and would eventually come after several hours of television or movie diversions. You are probably asking how could you continue every day. I don't know except that in the back corner of my mind was a slight stirring driving me towards a better day. In 1985, at the age of 26, the first inklings of a healing process began......More tomorrow...

Bullied: What does she see in me?

Chapter 6
What does she see in me?
Here I was back in school in the spring of 1985 ready to try something new. I was in possession of my business degree from ’83 supported by that 2.01 GPA. However, after attempts at engineering, retail management, sales and an attempt at making the Professional Tennis Tour, it was time for something new. I was ready and focused and I was going to do it. I was going to be a Biologist. The reality was I had never followed through with anything after the age of ten. I struggled with commitment, trust, relationships, winning, and losing, just to name a few. However, I was a fighting survivor of Bullying and I plugged along. Surprisingly, I enjoyed that semester. I made some friends, performed in school and actually laughed at times. Of course, I always had my little yellow pills when things got a bit too tough.
The fall semester began on a very high note. I was excited for the first time in years and jumped into my classes believing that I would do well. Sitting in Microbiology the first day, I noticed a very beautiful girl sitting ahead and to the left of me. I could not keep my eyes off of her. I knew, however, that a girl like this would never go for a chump like me. I had joined the Biology club in the spring and was now an elected officer of the club. About three weeks into the semester, three girls stopped me in the hall and asked if they could join the club. One of them happened to be that gorgeous girl from Microbiology class. My eyes were glued to her as the three girls asked questions about the club. Her name was Kathleen. She was stunningly beautiful, with a nervously curved smile, pale green eyes and long slender fingers. What was impossible to not notice and is still mentioned by so many to this day was her hair. I had never seen a woman with so much gorgeous thick hair and it was intoxicating.
We ended up in the elevator by ourselves after the other girls had moved on. We connected immediately and just started talking and listening. Immediately, I noticed that I was not a nervous wreck around her. I made sense when I spoke to her and I didn’t dry heave as I did with other girls that I thought I liked. By the time that we left the science building and had walked half a block a decision was made. I was going to marry this girl. There was only one problem. Kathleen was gorgeous, bright and talented…and I was me! So I decided to conduct an experiment.
The kids in our department met in groups many nights in the library. A few days later, I “accidently” bumped into Kathleen and told her that we had a study group planned for that evening and she was welcome to join us. At seven o’clock I was seated at the table on the third floor of the library trying to figure out how I would explain the lack of any other participants. As my mind was scrambling, two students from the Middle East sat and started talking. This was great! Now it looked like a study group. As we were talking, she appeared. All three of us stared although I tried not to gawk. As she sat down the other two guys proceeded to talk incessantly to her. Now I was looking at the possibility of a wasted opportunity. However for whatever reasons, after just a few minutes, the two guys excused themselves and headed out.
Here I was now alone with this woman who I couldn’t stop thinking about since our first talk in the elevator. After just a few seconds, my guilt-driven tongue spilled the beans. “There is no study-group, Kathleen; I set this whole thing up”. Kathleen looked at me and just quietly stated, “I know…and you are the only guy in the department that calls me Kathleen. I like that. The others all call me Kathy”. Then we started talking about everything and anything for the next four hours. I walked her to her car, we smiled, and then I just walked to my car. As I searched for my keys, the biggest most legitimate smile came upon my face and the feeling inside was the best I had felt since I was nine years old. She likes me….me… little, plain, lowly me!! As I drove home that night, confusion and emotions of sadness and ecstasy scrambled my thought process. After so many years of struggling within an empty worthless shell……Was it actually possible that I had some value as a human being?