Bullied: The healing begins...Part II

In college, I wasn't bullied anymore. I just had to figure out how to not be so messed up. Although the healing process would take many years, the long slow trek back would get worse before improving...

I slipped quietly into the university library. The girl behind the desk was gorgeous. For days I had worked on fooling my internal guards so that I could say hello to this beauty. As I approached the desk, it started. The symptoms were always centered on my left side. The muscles around my mouth started quivering as I began to bite down hard on my lips. The corner of my mouth started to twitch. The tongue began pushing against the bottom part of my mouth and then slashed across the inside of my teeth. The elbow flickered and the fingers moved almost uncontrollably. Popping a pistachio I chewed feverishly as I got the next nut under my upper lip. It was too late. I was in overdrive and was escalating out of control. As my mind maneuvered feverishly to control my anatomy, the physiological elements finished me off. Breathing rapidly increased, the left leg was gripped by a vise, and the foot felt heavy. The throat muscles tightened as all parts of my mouth moved incessantly. The panic set in as I emptied my last sources of energy to avoid collapsing. I was now a moment away from dry heaving. At this point, I knew there was no way I was going to move forward. Now my only chance of avoiding total embarrassment was to get out. So I did.

I walked around the perimeter of the campus to avoid as many people as possible. As I hit a quiet stretch, I could feel myself slowly settling down. No one was around which meant there was no one to impress… which meant I could return to my safe point of invisibility. Another day at school had been attempted with a recurring result. No classes were attended, no schoolwork was completed and I headed home elevated in stress and depleted in self-worth.

In order to reset my vitals to a functioning level, I had to separate my mind from reality. I got back to the apartment, slouched onto the sofa and turned on the TV. Cable had not yet come to pass so I had to settle for the soaps on one of the three network stations. After an hour, I was feeling better, but was quite aware that phase-two of surviving the day was soon to arrive...To be continued...

7 Tips for Family Survival in 2012

1. Hear what your kids are not saying. a. When you ask your teen how the day was, the response is always “fine”. In many cases this is a normal teenager energy reserve response. However, if something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. Now you have got to probe deeper and get your child to talk. It will be difficult, painful and possibly loud. However, we are talking about the long-term well-being of your child. 2. Illegalize all electronic devices in your child’s room after they turn in for the night. a. No…I’m not kidding. Have your kids hand over their cell phones, computers, I Pads, etc., etc. The 24/7 constant information barrage is not healthy. b. If they refuse, do not let them into their bedrooms. No negotiations…They need to sleep. 3. Do not allow your kids to lock their bedroom doors. a. Give them their deserved privacy…which means you will knock before entering. b. People lock doors when they don’t want others to know what is being said or done. We have the right as parents to know everything that our kids say or do! c. If they refuse your request, remove the door when they leave for school and ask your neighbor if you can keep it in their garage….I guarantee they won’t lock it when you give them a second chance. 4. Require that you children give you their access passwords to all computer accounts. a. Remind your kids that any access to these things is a privilege which can be removed because of poor behavior, poor grades, poor hygiene, etc. i. Last year my daughter was going through a philosophical struggle which involved being irresponsible and disrespectful to her parents. I got on her Facebook, changed her password and left the following message: “Dear Facebook Friends: My daughter will not be sharing with you on Facebook for an undetermined period of time until she regains her senses. This will occur when she shows appreciation and respect for her parents, cleans her room, does all schoolwork on time, and quits talking back.” Signed “Dad” 5. Accept the fact that your tween or teenager lies. a. This is a challenging one for many parents to come to grips with. After 23 years as an educator and 17 years as a parent it is just the cold hard truth. You can adjust the term to “fib”, “alter”, “forget”, “contrive”. The reality is that kids’ minds work within a very small window of time. For example, it’s Thursday and your child gets in trouble in school. He has been waiting for two weeks to join his buddies after school on Friday for a sleepover weekend. I guarantee you that your son or daughter will adjust the details so that they can participate in the sleepover. b. These kids are not bad kids….they are kids. c. So do the right thing…don’t let them join the sleepover. d. I suggest wearing ear plugs when you announce your decision so that the whining, drama and screams will just be a dull nuisance. 6. Ask questions, verify answers, a. Ask the following questions: i. Who will you be with? Will their parents be at home? Who is driving? What specifically will you be doing? ii. Do not accept any answer that begins with: “I think so”, or “Mary…and a couple of other kids”. b. Verify answers: i. Call the other parents. 7. While having meals as a family, no electronic devices will be permitted: a. No TV…No smart phones…No texting….No computers… b. Only allow conversation and proper table manners!

Bullied: The healing begins...

Bullying can scar you for life. After graduating from high school my life followed a hypersensitive crumbling path. The next eight years are a medicated blur, and yet, simultaneously, a calculated demonstration of survival tactics. Most of the names are forgotten but not the pummeling pain of existence. Just thinking about those days causes me to be physically debilitated as I try to transmit the daily trauma across these computer keys.

I was living in an apartment with one of many different roommates I would have as I scraped towards a college degree. I awoke on this Tuesday in October of the fall of 1980. My first class was at 8:00 and as usual my intention to be prepared had not come to fruition. I showered and consumed my usual two bowls of Captain Crunch. I chewed on the right because two teeth on the left were hurting bad. I hadn’t made it through a dentist appointment in over four years. Fulfilling the minimum hygienic expectations, I then initiated the survival techniques for the day. The pistachio supply was adequate and positioned in all the key locations; a handful in the two front pockets of my jeans, half a bag in my coat inside pocket, and another bag for backup placed under my passenger seat. This was going to be a distinctly tougher day as I had not been able to get my hands on the yellow pills for quite a few days.

Driving towards school, the radio was set on a golden oldies station as I drifted into my safe world of daydreams. I found some peace while I drove since I was in control and it was a place where I could be the person I always wanted to be. Today, I found solace as an amazing tennis player wowing the world with win after win at Wimbledon. Pulling into the school lot, I longed for that John Denver song to just go on and on so that the crowds would keep cheering. As I headed pass the baseball field towards the campus, I transformed myself and was now invisible. This was the absolute key to surviving for the day. I had given up on directing every neuron and fiber towards the cause of looking cool. I wasn’t anything but a piece of dirt that wandered through each day... wondering why was I of such little significance in this world.

I took the usual path working my way through the halls passing hundreds of students. They were not peers since there was no relationship or connection. I glanced at the pretty girls, envied the guys they were talking to, and wished so deeply that I could just be a part of all this. As I passed my class room I glanced in, considered entering for a second and then proceeded on by...To be continued