Bullying was hurting...but Healing was on the horizon

As I discussed yesterday, the eight years after high school were filled with nightmares, daydreams, and very little productive moments. I was hurting bad after so many years of being bullied. Every day I was in a mode of survival dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, depression and physical ailments. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I was too frightened and nervous to go to a dentist so by the age of 25, I had a cavity in every tooth in my mouth. I had many nervous ticks that were easily set off by interacting with people. The worst situations were when I with girls that I liked.

During my darkest days, my left arm and hand would twitch, my left leg got heavy and numb, the left side of my head always felt pressure on the temple. However, the most devastating symptom was the constant sense that I was going to dry heave. many times I did and of course this did not set me up fro many second dates. So I again designed a method of survival. As long as I always had something chewable in my mouth, I usually managed to put off the heaving. After experimenting with several items, I eventually settled on pistachios. Every morning my routine, along with showering and dressing, included the strategic location of pistachios for the daily activities. I made sure I had some in both front pockets of my pants and in the inside pocket of my jacket. There was also backup supplies located in my car, bedroom dresser and kitchen. If I was running low, I had to get a new supply at all costs. I missed appointments and failed to meet responsibilities. The pistachios were so aligned with me, that I regularly received them as Christmas presents because others assumed that I just liked them.

By the time I was 25, I was physically and emotionally a minimal blob of existence. (OK...that was a little wordy). Avoidance became my most painless method of survival. Some friends hung in there with me, but most tired of my lack of dependability, and direction. They got sick of wasted words, my daily personae of pity, and the absurdity of the panic attacks.

The day after labor day in 1985, I started classes again at the University of Lowell. I did have a bachelor's degree in business but had slid in and out of several jobs with no sense of purpose or passion. Now I was back in school to pursue a degree in Biology, attempting to convince myself that this was the real deal. All of my peers were off starting careers, getting married, buying houses and having kids. I was forging forward through another fall doing everything possible to avoid commitment and responsibility.

On the second day of school a moment occurred that would change my life forever. It was that second in time where the transition from "Hurt" to "Healing" began.  This stunningly gorgeous Biology student came up to me and asked me a question in the hall at school. I felt as if I was looking into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. As I began to respond to her question, something amazing happened: I didn't reach for a pistachio, I didn't twitch, I didn't feel a need to get away, I was coherent and I smiled! The "Healing" (although the process would take several years ) began at that very instant....To be continued....