Bullied: The healing begins...Part II

In college, I wasn't bullied anymore. I just had to figure out how to not be so messed up. Although the healing process would take many years, the long slow trek back would get worse before improving...

I slipped quietly into the university library. The girl behind the desk was gorgeous. For days I had worked on fooling my internal guards so that I could say hello to this beauty. As I approached the desk, it started. The symptoms were always centered on my left side. The muscles around my mouth started quivering as I began to bite down hard on my lips. The corner of my mouth started to twitch. The tongue began pushing against the bottom part of my mouth and then slashed across the inside of my teeth. The elbow flickered and the fingers moved almost uncontrollably. Popping a pistachio I chewed feverishly as I got the next nut under my upper lip. It was too late. I was in overdrive and was escalating out of control. As my mind maneuvered feverishly to control my anatomy, the physiological elements finished me off. Breathing rapidly increased, the left leg was gripped by a vise, and the foot felt heavy. The throat muscles tightened as all parts of my mouth moved incessantly. The panic set in as I emptied my last sources of energy to avoid collapsing. I was now a moment away from dry heaving. At this point, I knew there was no way I was going to move forward. Now my only chance of avoiding total embarrassment was to get out. So I did.

I walked around the perimeter of the campus to avoid as many people as possible. As I hit a quiet stretch, I could feel myself slowly settling down. No one was around which meant there was no one to impress… which meant I could return to my safe point of invisibility. Another day at school had been attempted with a recurring result. No classes were attended, no schoolwork was completed and I headed home elevated in stress and depleted in self-worth.

In order to reset my vitals to a functioning level, I had to separate my mind from reality. I got back to the apartment, slouched onto the sofa and turned on the TV. Cable had not yet come to pass so I had to settle for the soaps on one of the three network stations. After an hour, I was feeling better, but was quite aware that phase-two of surviving the day was soon to arrive...To be continued...

I was just thinking....

1. You can’t make a difference … unless… you are different.
2. Change is scary. Just ask anyone who knew Dr. Martin Luther King, Gandhi, or Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.
3. NCLB (No Child Left Behind) was a glamorous ideal. However, let’s balance the vision with a taste of reality. A few people are going to design the buildings and many are going to lay the bricks.
4. Discipline strengthens purpose…Respect builds trust…Courage produces results!
5. Weak parents negotiate curfews...strong parents say, "Be home by 10".
6. Trees never lose focus…Sunlight baby, Sunlight!!
7. You are never lost…you are always somewhere!

7 Tips for Family Survival in 2012

1. Hear what your kids are not saying. a. When you ask your teen how the day was, the response is always “fine”. In many cases this is a normal teenager energy reserve response. However, if something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. Now you have got to probe deeper and get your child to talk. It will be difficult, painful and possibly loud. However, we are talking about the long-term well-being of your child. 2. Illegalize all electronic devices in your child’s room after they turn in for the night. a. No…I’m not kidding. Have your kids hand over their cell phones, computers, I Pads, etc., etc. The 24/7 constant information barrage is not healthy. b. If they refuse, do not let them into their bedrooms. No negotiations…They need to sleep. 3. Do not allow your kids to lock their bedroom doors. a. Give them their deserved privacy…which means you will knock before entering. b. People lock doors when they don’t want others to know what is being said or done. We have the right as parents to know everything that our kids say or do! c. If they refuse your request, remove the door when they leave for school and ask your neighbor if you can keep it in their garage….I guarantee they won’t lock it when you give them a second chance. 4. Require that you children give you their access passwords to all computer accounts. a. Remind your kids that any access to these things is a privilege which can be removed because of poor behavior, poor grades, poor hygiene, etc. i. Last year my daughter was going through a philosophical struggle which involved being irresponsible and disrespectful to her parents. I got on her Facebook, changed her password and left the following message: “Dear Facebook Friends: My daughter will not be sharing with you on Facebook for an undetermined period of time until she regains her senses. This will occur when she shows appreciation and respect for her parents, cleans her room, does all schoolwork on time, and quits talking back.” Signed “Dad” 5. Accept the fact that your tween or teenager lies. a. This is a challenging one for many parents to come to grips with. After 23 years as an educator and 17 years as a parent it is just the cold hard truth. You can adjust the term to “fib”, “alter”, “forget”, “contrive”. The reality is that kids’ minds work within a very small window of time. For example, it’s Thursday and your child gets in trouble in school. He has been waiting for two weeks to join his buddies after school on Friday for a sleepover weekend. I guarantee you that your son or daughter will adjust the details so that they can participate in the sleepover. b. These kids are not bad kids….they are kids. c. So do the right thing…don’t let them join the sleepover. d. I suggest wearing ear plugs when you announce your decision so that the whining, drama and screams will just be a dull nuisance. 6. Ask questions, verify answers, a. Ask the following questions: i. Who will you be with? Will their parents be at home? Who is driving? What specifically will you be doing? ii. Do not accept any answer that begins with: “I think so”, or “Mary…and a couple of other kids”. b. Verify answers: i. Call the other parents. 7. While having meals as a family, no electronic devices will be permitted: a. No TV…No smart phones…No texting….No computers… b. Only allow conversation and proper table manners!

Bullied: The healing begins...

Bullying can scar you for life. After graduating from high school my life followed a hypersensitive crumbling path. The next eight years are a medicated blur, and yet, simultaneously, a calculated demonstration of survival tactics. Most of the names are forgotten but not the pummeling pain of existence. Just thinking about those days causes me to be physically debilitated as I try to transmit the daily trauma across these computer keys.

I was living in an apartment with one of many different roommates I would have as I scraped towards a college degree. I awoke on this Tuesday in October of the fall of 1980. My first class was at 8:00 and as usual my intention to be prepared had not come to fruition. I showered and consumed my usual two bowls of Captain Crunch. I chewed on the right because two teeth on the left were hurting bad. I hadn’t made it through a dentist appointment in over four years. Fulfilling the minimum hygienic expectations, I then initiated the survival techniques for the day. The pistachio supply was adequate and positioned in all the key locations; a handful in the two front pockets of my jeans, half a bag in my coat inside pocket, and another bag for backup placed under my passenger seat. This was going to be a distinctly tougher day as I had not been able to get my hands on the yellow pills for quite a few days.

Driving towards school, the radio was set on a golden oldies station as I drifted into my safe world of daydreams. I found some peace while I drove since I was in control and it was a place where I could be the person I always wanted to be. Today, I found solace as an amazing tennis player wowing the world with win after win at Wimbledon. Pulling into the school lot, I longed for that John Denver song to just go on and on so that the crowds would keep cheering. As I headed pass the baseball field towards the campus, I transformed myself and was now invisible. This was the absolute key to surviving for the day. I had given up on directing every neuron and fiber towards the cause of looking cool. I wasn’t anything but a piece of dirt that wandered through each day... wondering why was I of such little significance in this world.

I took the usual path working my way through the halls passing hundreds of students. They were not peers since there was no relationship or connection. I glanced at the pretty girls, envied the guys they were talking to, and wished so deeply that I could just be a part of all this. As I passed my class room I glanced in, considered entering for a second and then proceeded on by...To be continued

Counting my Blessings...

As I launch on a new voyage with the support of my wife and kids, my insides are blending into a homogeneous (Sorry…former science teacher) concoction of passion, excitement, vision, angst, doubt and fear. I acted on the decision to become an advocate for anti-bullying hoping to share, strategize and provide hope for students, parents and teachers.
Challenges abound, but on this morning I’m taking a quiet hour to reflect and to count my blessings:
1. God has blessed me with the strength to continue healing from the emotional damage of bullying. He has guided me along a path with a purpose. This route has tested me with tangled roots, unmarked forks, and hooded strangers with appealing poison apples. Despite the gauntlet faced each day, the path permeates with the love of my wife, daughter, son, family and friends.
2. God has blessed me by waking me up each morning, with the thought in my head that today will be a good day.
3. God has blessed me with vision to see the “Good” in every person
4. God has blessed me with a cholesterol level that remains steady at 95….Yes…95. I asked my doctor if this was too low. He laughed and told me to go enjoy a large grease-dripping cheeseburger!
5. God has blessed me with two children who love people and love to do things! One is a teen and the other is twelve. So they at times express the international teen signals; self-absorbed, back-talk to parents, fibbing (OK...they lie), etc. However, God has blessed each of them with a conscience, caring hearts, empathy, high-functioning neurons, passion, and the desire to fulfill dreams.
6. God has blessed me with an amazing wife. Her warmth, intellect, sensibility and unwavering love for me has kept us on the path together for over 25 years.
7. God has blessed me with with the strength to attain a quality education. He has also showed me that learning never stops as long as you continue to listen.
8. God has blessed me with the strength and willingness to forgive…..Boy that one took a long time…
9. God has blessed me with a desire to smile, cry and laugh every day.
10. God has blessed me with the fortitude to apologize and mean it. To all of you that have tolerated my stubbornness, self-pity, ego, blustering, bullying, and self-centered actions….I deeply apologize!

A Persistent and Proactive Anti-Bullying Plan

I think that if all of the bullying organizations came together we could significantly deter bullying in all our communities. A national coalition with passion and focus would be phenomenal. However, even with the most proactive creative pieces in place, some bullying would still occur. It is similar to the teenage drinking and driving issue. Kids are so well informed about the dangers but that voice of immortality still lingers on the shoulders of so many teens.

Despite the extraordinary programming and the horrific images, kids still get behind a wheel drunk or are persuaded to get into the backseat with an intoxicated driver. I think the same goes with "Bullying". The programs are more connective, the images are stronger, the media is relentless... yet kids and adults are still bullied.

So just as we do with the drinking/driving issue, we have to have a program that constantly reminds, informs and keeps the kids, teachers and parents in check. Every school system should have in place a mandatory anti-bullying presentation at the opening of school. The sterile power point shows have got to go. These programs need to be fed by emotion. A statistic sticks for a moment but feelings can impact a person for life. The presenting team must grab the audience so that the message burrows into their brains. Anyone connected to kids should receive mandatory training in order to develop a rapport with kids, recognize the signs of bullying and effectively respond. Parents have got to probe ( a tough tough challenge with teens). A parent has to start listening to what their child is not saying. Without exception, a short-term battle with your child will far outweigh the effects of a long-lasting war.

The ultimate goal is that we want every student, teacher and parent excited about school and feeling safe. We want students enjoying school every day and teachers enjoying coming to work each day.

Wouldn't it be great if we could keep the drama in theater class while spending the rest of the day focused on intellectual growth and accomplishment!

If you bully...

If we are going to eliminate bullying in our schools do we have to come up with innovative strategies? I say "No"... Let's return to what works. So here are my strategies for eradicating bullies from our school communities.
 1. If you bully, all electronic devices are off limits for the rest of your school year. You need information,,,
 read a book; you need a ride, use the school phone; you want a status, talk to someone face to face.

 2. If you bully you do good old-fashioned manual labor. Put on some gloves and pick up garbage around
 the school. Parents may not argue...if they do they are handed another pair of gloves.

 3.If you bully, you do not return to school until you and your parents writes an apology to the victim. Then
 you hand that apology to the victim in person while looking at them in the eye.

 4.If you bully you will be afraid to tell your parents because the punishment will be worse at home.

 5.If you bully, you don't play sports...your exercise will consist of mowing all your elderly neighbor's
 lawns, and cleaning all three family bathroom floors with a toothbrush, (We were luckier, most of us only
 had one)

 6. If you bully, you will be "Scared Straight".

 7. If you bully, "free time" is a memory.

 8. If you bully, you are assigned a seat in the cafe for the year. Then you stay and clean the cafe after lunch.

 9.  If you bully, you lose all pass privileges. No more bathroom passes...plan better.

 10. If you bully, you stay home with your parents. Sorry parents, you raised them...you fix them.

No Bullying today...Let's have fun... 10 people/events to chuckle about

1. Self-proclaimed Education Presidents....We haven't had one since Woodrow Wilson!
2. Reality shows. I've been on one. There is nothing real about them.
3. George Carlin...He never wasted a word!
4. No Child Left Behind...I've got some bad news...and...Don't turn around...
5. Sean Hannity of Fox News....A true journalist always presenting a non-biased perspective.
6. Jim Cantore from the Weather Channel... a flash of lightning, a rumble of thunder...Jim's on Air
    response..."Oh my God, did you hear that? It's going to be a long night for the people of this sleepy little
    town."
7. Scandals involving Divison 1 college football coaches...1.Friday: The Univ.of X is excited to welcome our
    new coach to lead us into the future. 2. Saturday night: The coach goes to a club and is caught
    later that night with three strippers in his hotel room. 3. Monday: The Athletic Director announces that the 
    coach is being released...but the good news is that he is only getting sent away with 2.5 million dollars
    from his original 7.2 million dollar contract!
8. M.A.S.H...Now that was quality television...a gauranteed laugh no matter how many times you had seen
    the re-runs.
9. Obamacare....Millions spent to determine if we should spend millions
10. Bill Cosby...Life's daily struggles transformed into laughter simply by telling a good clean story.

Bullying was hurting...but Healing was on the horizon

As I discussed yesterday, the eight years after high school were filled with nightmares, daydreams, and very little productive moments. I was hurting bad after so many years of being bullied. Every day I was in a mode of survival dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, depression and physical ailments. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I was too frightened and nervous to go to a dentist so by the age of 25, I had a cavity in every tooth in my mouth. I had many nervous ticks that were easily set off by interacting with people. The worst situations were when I with girls that I liked.

During my darkest days, my left arm and hand would twitch, my left leg got heavy and numb, the left side of my head always felt pressure on the temple. However, the most devastating symptom was the constant sense that I was going to dry heave. many times I did and of course this did not set me up fro many second dates. So I again designed a method of survival. As long as I always had something chewable in my mouth, I usually managed to put off the heaving. After experimenting with several items, I eventually settled on pistachios. Every morning my routine, along with showering and dressing, included the strategic location of pistachios for the daily activities. I made sure I had some in both front pockets of my pants and in the inside pocket of my jacket. There was also backup supplies located in my car, bedroom dresser and kitchen. If I was running low, I had to get a new supply at all costs. I missed appointments and failed to meet responsibilities. The pistachios were so aligned with me, that I regularly received them as Christmas presents because others assumed that I just liked them.

By the time I was 25, I was physically and emotionally a minimal blob of existence. (OK...that was a little wordy). Avoidance became my most painless method of survival. Some friends hung in there with me, but most tired of my lack of dependability, and direction. They got sick of wasted words, my daily personae of pity, and the absurdity of the panic attacks.

The day after labor day in 1985, I started classes again at the University of Lowell. I did have a bachelor's degree in business but had slid in and out of several jobs with no sense of purpose or passion. Now I was back in school to pursue a degree in Biology, attempting to convince myself that this was the real deal. All of my peers were off starting careers, getting married, buying houses and having kids. I was forging forward through another fall doing everything possible to avoid commitment and responsibility.

On the second day of school a moment occurred that would change my life forever. It was that second in time where the transition from "Hurt" to "Healing" began.  This stunningly gorgeous Biology student came up to me and asked me a question in the hall at school. I felt as if I was looking into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. As I began to respond to her question, something amazing happened: I didn't reach for a pistachio, I didn't twitch, I didn't feel a need to get away, I was coherent and I smiled! The "Healing" (although the process would take several years ) began at that very instant....To be continued....

Holding on to Hope through the Hurt of Bullying

"Hope" is a crucial word that I use during my anti-bullying presentations. I want kids to know that what I went through really hurt. I want them to know that the healing process can be at times challenging, unbearable and brutal. However, if there is no perspective of hope then those that hear me will end up doing what too many young people are doing. They will shut down believing that there is no way that things are going to get better. I know it gets better and I want to share with everyone that will listen that life can be awesome again, and a purpose for living is right there in front of you. When I was at my worst during the post-bullying years, getting out of bed was an exhausting chore. I knew that as soon as I faced other humans, I returned immediately to those feelings of worthlessness. I survived by avoiding connections with people. I was so afraid that they would quickly find out what a useless piece of dirt that I was. For about 8 years from 18 through 26 my daily walk through life was akin to a B-rated horror movie; something/someone was always lurking causing me discomfort and leading to irrational actions. I was a paranoid hypochondriac with neurotic tendencies. Underneath this craziness was simply a guy that wanted to be accepted and liked. I avoided high places because I would shake uncontrollably and stare down the constant fear that I would jump. I never did jump and there was never anything physically wrong with me. At the end of each day, I would feel such a relief when I knew I wouldn't have to face anyone else that day. I would allow myself to breath and then deal with the utter exhaustion of surviving the day. Sleep was tough and would eventually come after several hours of television or movie diversions. You are probably asking how could you continue every day. I don't know except that in the back corner of my mind was a slight stirring driving me towards a better day. In 1985, at the age of 26, the first inklings of a healing process began......More tomorrow...

Website Launched

I launched my website today, http://www.mikesanzeducate.com/. I'm so excited to finally get started and work towards ending bullying and supporting survivors throughout this country. So lets get started. The student program is developing and getting stronger every day. Teacher and parent programs are in the design stage. I'll present to any non-profit in Beaufort County at no cost through mid-August. E-mail me at sanzeducate@aol.com or call me at 843-422-9793 if you would like me to speak to, share with, and support your group.

Parent Tip of the Day:  When your children check in for the night, have them turn their smart phones, I pads,
                                   and computers over to you. Let them focus on sleep and rest without the media from
                                   10 PM until 6 AM.  (Crazy...maybe...Brilliant...probably).

Bullied: Hurt, Healing and Hope

After 3 year of talk, thought and planning I have made the decision to resign from Beaufort County School District. I will be focusing my energy on an antibullying program titled, "Bullied: Hurt, Healing and Hope". There are 4 major points to the program:
1. I tell my stories opening up to the emotional and physical struggles that I experienced.
2. I inform and educate providing strategies for deterring and stopping bullying.
3. I make the bullies aware that a moment of laughter leads to a life of struggle for victims.
4. I provide a message and support system of Hope. Life can and will get better.

 Programs are age appropriate each with their own perspective. So far I have made presentations at four Beaufort County Boys and Girls Clubs, McCracken Middle School and Hilton Head Island Rec. My web page should be launching later this week. I am making this program available to any non-profit organizations in Beaufort County for no cost through mid-August. Give me a call at 843-422-9793 or e-mail me at sanzeducate@aol.com.
 Programs for other groups include:
• Parents:               Understanding what your child is not saying.
 • Teachers:            Rapport, Recognition, Response
• Survivors:            Coping, Hoping and Solutions
 • Community:        Just like a Natural Disaster: Prepare in Advance
 • Grandparents:    How can I Help?
 • Workplace:        Talented, Qualified and Driven: Targets for Bullies.

The long term goal is to provide a tough message, strategies and avenues of hope for kids, teachers, parents and survivors. This program will spread from Beaufort County, through South Carolina, and throughout this country. Forming coalitions with other anti-bullying organizations we will end the hurt and fear of bullying. My personal goal is to see all kids feeling safe in any social situations and enjoying coming to school every day.

Ten Words worth Defining...

Ten Words worth Defining…
1. Parental Love: Actions, responses, feelings, and decisions in which on several occasions the correct word is simply, “No”.
2. Integrity: Actions that you see on the outside are the same as what the person is thinking on the inside.
3. Winning: A moment in time to be cherished and remembered… not to be embellished, or placed on the same platform of importance as the process necessary to attain that win.
4. Losing: Events in life from which you should draw strength, wisdom, patience, perseverance, grace, humor, and vision.
5. Role Model: An imperfect human being whose outstanding skills, charisma, charm, looks and appeal is minimized by the immensity of his or her morality.
6. Education: A lifelong pursuit down a perilous potholed path with several open doors lining the route. Another easier parallel path exists, but the doors are closing quickly, barricaded or locked.
7. Courage: Actions leading to lasting positive changes; with clear expectations of being pummeled, and the joy of recognizing our true friends.
8. Discipline: Holding back in order to move forward.
9. Respect: The foundation upon which all interactions with my parents and teachers were built.
10. Happiness: Looking in the mirror and walking away with an internal warm smile.

10 Things that make it a Good Day for a Middle Age Man

10 Events that Highlight a Middle Age Man’s Day!
1. When you are able to slide out of bed with less than 3 body joints hurting. I did say slide…the last time you jumped was 10 years ago when you realized you had missed your tee time!
2. When you have a nice fluent flow in the morning…without any wait time.
3. When an attractive woman smiles at you and you don’t have either your dog or your cute grandchild with you.
4. When your wife smiles at you and you don’t have either your dog or your cute grandchild with you.
5. When you don’t fall down the stairs while looking for your glasses because you can’t see anything.
6. When you can just enjoy the flavorful taste of a cookie not packaged by Metamucil.
7. When you can sit down for dinner with every family member accounted for and present.
8. When you can stay awake throughout the whole movie.
9. When you leave in the morning…with a job and return that evening…with a job!
10. When you go to bed, you aren’t bothered by indigestion, caffeine jitters, back pain, insomnia, the neighbor’s rap music, or one immensely irritating cricket.