Bullied: What does she see in me?

Chapter 6
What does she see in me?
Here I was back in school in the spring of 1985 ready to try something new. I was in possession of my business degree from ’83 supported by that 2.01 GPA. However, after attempts at engineering, retail management, sales and an attempt at making the Professional Tennis Tour, it was time for something new. I was ready and focused and I was going to do it. I was going to be a Biologist. The reality was I had never followed through with anything after the age of ten. I struggled with commitment, trust, relationships, winning, and losing, just to name a few. However, I was a fighting survivor of Bullying and I plugged along. Surprisingly, I enjoyed that semester. I made some friends, performed in school and actually laughed at times. Of course, I always had my little yellow pills when things got a bit too tough.
The fall semester began on a very high note. I was excited for the first time in years and jumped into my classes believing that I would do well. Sitting in Microbiology the first day, I noticed a very beautiful girl sitting ahead and to the left of me. I could not keep my eyes off of her. I knew, however, that a girl like this would never go for a chump like me. I had joined the Biology club in the spring and was now an elected officer of the club. About three weeks into the semester, three girls stopped me in the hall and asked if they could join the club. One of them happened to be that gorgeous girl from Microbiology class. My eyes were glued to her as the three girls asked questions about the club. Her name was Kathleen. She was stunningly beautiful, with a nervously curved smile, pale green eyes and long slender fingers. What was impossible to not notice and is still mentioned by so many to this day was her hair. I had never seen a woman with so much gorgeous thick hair and it was intoxicating.
We ended up in the elevator by ourselves after the other girls had moved on. We connected immediately and just started talking and listening. Immediately, I noticed that I was not a nervous wreck around her. I made sense when I spoke to her and I didn’t dry heave as I did with other girls that I thought I liked. By the time that we left the science building and had walked half a block a decision was made. I was going to marry this girl. There was only one problem. Kathleen was gorgeous, bright and talented…and I was me! So I decided to conduct an experiment.
The kids in our department met in groups many nights in the library. A few days later, I “accidently” bumped into Kathleen and told her that we had a study group planned for that evening and she was welcome to join us. At seven o’clock I was seated at the table on the third floor of the library trying to figure out how I would explain the lack of any other participants. As my mind was scrambling, two students from the Middle East sat and started talking. This was great! Now it looked like a study group. As we were talking, she appeared. All three of us stared although I tried not to gawk. As she sat down the other two guys proceeded to talk incessantly to her. Now I was looking at the possibility of a wasted opportunity. However for whatever reasons, after just a few minutes, the two guys excused themselves and headed out.
Here I was now alone with this woman who I couldn’t stop thinking about since our first talk in the elevator. After just a few seconds, my guilt-driven tongue spilled the beans. “There is no study-group, Kathleen; I set this whole thing up”. Kathleen looked at me and just quietly stated, “I know…and you are the only guy in the department that calls me Kathleen. I like that. The others all call me Kathy”. Then we started talking about everything and anything for the next four hours. I walked her to her car, we smiled, and then I just walked to my car. As I searched for my keys, the biggest most legitimate smile came upon my face and the feeling inside was the best I had felt since I was nine years old. She likes me….me… little, plain, lowly me!! As I drove home that night, confusion and emotions of sadness and ecstasy scrambled my thought process. After so many years of struggling within an empty worthless shell……Was it actually possible that I had some value as a human being?