Bullied: Life throws Curveballs

Chapter 1: Life throws Curve Balls
I’m not sure when it specifically started; the fear, panic, and doubt. I just always remember myself as an uptight kid that was afraid of everything and most everybody. Some have told me that this wasn’t the case, that I was happy, gregarious and personable. However, my home had been rocked by a meteor when I was only one year old. My dad, Leo, was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s disease. He struggled with it for four years but passed away in March of 1965 at the age of twenty-seven. I was only five. My only memories of dad were of him being sick. So by the time he did die, I was a nervous wreck. I became obsessed with death at a very young age, always thought my mom would be taken away and dreaded getting too close to people.
Fear ruled my life. I was afraid of storms, heights, fast cars, other kids, walking to school, not being accepted and success. I was a severe hypochondriac and always felt that I would die young just like my father. By the second grade I was a nervous ball of energy that had to win every possible competition in school. You see if I didn’t win, I wouldn’t be liked and nobody would want to talk to me. When we participated in the SRL reading program, I had to read faster and get through each color series faster than the other kids. The reality was that I was smart and could read and comprehend at a high level. However, when the sisters (nuns) brought out the books, my heart would pound and I would fire on all cylinders to be the first to get signed off.
The sad part is that the accomplishments never made me feel any better. I couldn’t figure out at the age of six through 12 that it wasn’t about the achievement; it was about the core feelings inside. Through all these elementary years I just could not relax. My mind always seemed to come up with a weird way to remain uptight. One of the most common daily ventures happened during my walk home from school. As I was walking, I would listen for cars approaching behind me. As they got closer, I would rev my internal engine and play a type of Russian Roulette. If the car passed me before I reached a targeted point, then I would die on the spot. So I would walk faster and faster with my heart pounding and sneak past the point just ahead of the death sentence.
You can imagine how this persona of poor self-image and lackluster confidence set me up as the focal point of teasing and bullying. I dripped with a desire to be accepted and tried every possible venture to acquire acceptance. The more I tried the more I was laughed at and teased. These years were highlighted by being picked last in sports, sitting at home alone while my brother was invited out to play, and constantly being reminded that I was skinny, greasy, and my nose was twice the size of my face.