Bullied: The healing begins...Part II

In college, I wasn't bullied anymore. I just had to figure out how to not be so messed up. Although the healing process would take many years, the long slow trek back would get worse before improving...

I slipped quietly into the university library. The girl behind the desk was gorgeous. For days I had worked on fooling my internal guards so that I could say hello to this beauty. As I approached the desk, it started. The symptoms were always centered on my left side. The muscles around my mouth started quivering as I began to bite down hard on my lips. The corner of my mouth started to twitch. The tongue began pushing against the bottom part of my mouth and then slashed across the inside of my teeth. The elbow flickered and the fingers moved almost uncontrollably. Popping a pistachio I chewed feverishly as I got the next nut under my upper lip. It was too late. I was in overdrive and was escalating out of control. As my mind maneuvered feverishly to control my anatomy, the physiological elements finished me off. Breathing rapidly increased, the left leg was gripped by a vise, and the foot felt heavy. The throat muscles tightened as all parts of my mouth moved incessantly. The panic set in as I emptied my last sources of energy to avoid collapsing. I was now a moment away from dry heaving. At this point, I knew there was no way I was going to move forward. Now my only chance of avoiding total embarrassment was to get out. So I did.

I walked around the perimeter of the campus to avoid as many people as possible. As I hit a quiet stretch, I could feel myself slowly settling down. No one was around which meant there was no one to impress… which meant I could return to my safe point of invisibility. Another day at school had been attempted with a recurring result. No classes were attended, no schoolwork was completed and I headed home elevated in stress and depleted in self-worth.

In order to reset my vitals to a functioning level, I had to separate my mind from reality. I got back to the apartment, slouched onto the sofa and turned on the TV. Cable had not yet come to pass so I had to settle for the soaps on one of the three network stations. After an hour, I was feeling better, but was quite aware that phase-two of surviving the day was soon to arrive...To be continued...

I was just thinking....

1. You can’t make a difference … unless… you are different.
2. Change is scary. Just ask anyone who knew Dr. Martin Luther King, Gandhi, or Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.
3. NCLB (No Child Left Behind) was a glamorous ideal. However, let’s balance the vision with a taste of reality. A few people are going to design the buildings and many are going to lay the bricks.
4. Discipline strengthens purpose…Respect builds trust…Courage produces results!
5. Weak parents negotiate curfews...strong parents say, "Be home by 10".
6. Trees never lose focus…Sunlight baby, Sunlight!!
7. You are never lost…you are always somewhere!

7 Tips for Family Survival in 2012

1. Hear what your kids are not saying. a. When you ask your teen how the day was, the response is always “fine”. In many cases this is a normal teenager energy reserve response. However, if something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. Now you have got to probe deeper and get your child to talk. It will be difficult, painful and possibly loud. However, we are talking about the long-term well-being of your child. 2. Illegalize all electronic devices in your child’s room after they turn in for the night. a. No…I’m not kidding. Have your kids hand over their cell phones, computers, I Pads, etc., etc. The 24/7 constant information barrage is not healthy. b. If they refuse, do not let them into their bedrooms. No negotiations…They need to sleep. 3. Do not allow your kids to lock their bedroom doors. a. Give them their deserved privacy…which means you will knock before entering. b. People lock doors when they don’t want others to know what is being said or done. We have the right as parents to know everything that our kids say or do! c. If they refuse your request, remove the door when they leave for school and ask your neighbor if you can keep it in their garage….I guarantee they won’t lock it when you give them a second chance. 4. Require that you children give you their access passwords to all computer accounts. a. Remind your kids that any access to these things is a privilege which can be removed because of poor behavior, poor grades, poor hygiene, etc. i. Last year my daughter was going through a philosophical struggle which involved being irresponsible and disrespectful to her parents. I got on her Facebook, changed her password and left the following message: “Dear Facebook Friends: My daughter will not be sharing with you on Facebook for an undetermined period of time until she regains her senses. This will occur when she shows appreciation and respect for her parents, cleans her room, does all schoolwork on time, and quits talking back.” Signed “Dad” 5. Accept the fact that your tween or teenager lies. a. This is a challenging one for many parents to come to grips with. After 23 years as an educator and 17 years as a parent it is just the cold hard truth. You can adjust the term to “fib”, “alter”, “forget”, “contrive”. The reality is that kids’ minds work within a very small window of time. For example, it’s Thursday and your child gets in trouble in school. He has been waiting for two weeks to join his buddies after school on Friday for a sleepover weekend. I guarantee you that your son or daughter will adjust the details so that they can participate in the sleepover. b. These kids are not bad kids….they are kids. c. So do the right thing…don’t let them join the sleepover. d. I suggest wearing ear plugs when you announce your decision so that the whining, drama and screams will just be a dull nuisance. 6. Ask questions, verify answers, a. Ask the following questions: i. Who will you be with? Will their parents be at home? Who is driving? What specifically will you be doing? ii. Do not accept any answer that begins with: “I think so”, or “Mary…and a couple of other kids”. b. Verify answers: i. Call the other parents. 7. While having meals as a family, no electronic devices will be permitted: a. No TV…No smart phones…No texting….No computers… b. Only allow conversation and proper table manners!

Bullied: The healing begins...

Bullying can scar you for life. After graduating from high school my life followed a hypersensitive crumbling path. The next eight years are a medicated blur, and yet, simultaneously, a calculated demonstration of survival tactics. Most of the names are forgotten but not the pummeling pain of existence. Just thinking about those days causes me to be physically debilitated as I try to transmit the daily trauma across these computer keys.

I was living in an apartment with one of many different roommates I would have as I scraped towards a college degree. I awoke on this Tuesday in October of the fall of 1980. My first class was at 8:00 and as usual my intention to be prepared had not come to fruition. I showered and consumed my usual two bowls of Captain Crunch. I chewed on the right because two teeth on the left were hurting bad. I hadn’t made it through a dentist appointment in over four years. Fulfilling the minimum hygienic expectations, I then initiated the survival techniques for the day. The pistachio supply was adequate and positioned in all the key locations; a handful in the two front pockets of my jeans, half a bag in my coat inside pocket, and another bag for backup placed under my passenger seat. This was going to be a distinctly tougher day as I had not been able to get my hands on the yellow pills for quite a few days.

Driving towards school, the radio was set on a golden oldies station as I drifted into my safe world of daydreams. I found some peace while I drove since I was in control and it was a place where I could be the person I always wanted to be. Today, I found solace as an amazing tennis player wowing the world with win after win at Wimbledon. Pulling into the school lot, I longed for that John Denver song to just go on and on so that the crowds would keep cheering. As I headed pass the baseball field towards the campus, I transformed myself and was now invisible. This was the absolute key to surviving for the day. I had given up on directing every neuron and fiber towards the cause of looking cool. I wasn’t anything but a piece of dirt that wandered through each day... wondering why was I of such little significance in this world.

I took the usual path working my way through the halls passing hundreds of students. They were not peers since there was no relationship or connection. I glanced at the pretty girls, envied the guys they were talking to, and wished so deeply that I could just be a part of all this. As I passed my class room I glanced in, considered entering for a second and then proceeded on by...To be continued

Counting my Blessings...

As I launch on a new voyage with the support of my wife and kids, my insides are blending into a homogeneous (Sorry…former science teacher) concoction of passion, excitement, vision, angst, doubt and fear. I acted on the decision to become an advocate for anti-bullying hoping to share, strategize and provide hope for students, parents and teachers.
Challenges abound, but on this morning I’m taking a quiet hour to reflect and to count my blessings:
1. God has blessed me with the strength to continue healing from the emotional damage of bullying. He has guided me along a path with a purpose. This route has tested me with tangled roots, unmarked forks, and hooded strangers with appealing poison apples. Despite the gauntlet faced each day, the path permeates with the love of my wife, daughter, son, family and friends.
2. God has blessed me by waking me up each morning, with the thought in my head that today will be a good day.
3. God has blessed me with vision to see the “Good” in every person
4. God has blessed me with a cholesterol level that remains steady at 95….Yes…95. I asked my doctor if this was too low. He laughed and told me to go enjoy a large grease-dripping cheeseburger!
5. God has blessed me with two children who love people and love to do things! One is a teen and the other is twelve. So they at times express the international teen signals; self-absorbed, back-talk to parents, fibbing (OK...they lie), etc. However, God has blessed each of them with a conscience, caring hearts, empathy, high-functioning neurons, passion, and the desire to fulfill dreams.
6. God has blessed me with an amazing wife. Her warmth, intellect, sensibility and unwavering love for me has kept us on the path together for over 25 years.
7. God has blessed me with with the strength to attain a quality education. He has also showed me that learning never stops as long as you continue to listen.
8. God has blessed me with the strength and willingness to forgive…..Boy that one took a long time…
9. God has blessed me with a desire to smile, cry and laugh every day.
10. God has blessed me with the fortitude to apologize and mean it. To all of you that have tolerated my stubbornness, self-pity, ego, blustering, bullying, and self-centered actions….I deeply apologize!

A Persistent and Proactive Anti-Bullying Plan

I think that if all of the bullying organizations came together we could significantly deter bullying in all our communities. A national coalition with passion and focus would be phenomenal. However, even with the most proactive creative pieces in place, some bullying would still occur. It is similar to the teenage drinking and driving issue. Kids are so well informed about the dangers but that voice of immortality still lingers on the shoulders of so many teens.

Despite the extraordinary programming and the horrific images, kids still get behind a wheel drunk or are persuaded to get into the backseat with an intoxicated driver. I think the same goes with "Bullying". The programs are more connective, the images are stronger, the media is relentless... yet kids and adults are still bullied.

So just as we do with the drinking/driving issue, we have to have a program that constantly reminds, informs and keeps the kids, teachers and parents in check. Every school system should have in place a mandatory anti-bullying presentation at the opening of school. The sterile power point shows have got to go. These programs need to be fed by emotion. A statistic sticks for a moment but feelings can impact a person for life. The presenting team must grab the audience so that the message burrows into their brains. Anyone connected to kids should receive mandatory training in order to develop a rapport with kids, recognize the signs of bullying and effectively respond. Parents have got to probe ( a tough tough challenge with teens). A parent has to start listening to what their child is not saying. Without exception, a short-term battle with your child will far outweigh the effects of a long-lasting war.

The ultimate goal is that we want every student, teacher and parent excited about school and feeling safe. We want students enjoying school every day and teachers enjoying coming to work each day.

Wouldn't it be great if we could keep the drama in theater class while spending the rest of the day focused on intellectual growth and accomplishment!

If you bully...

If we are going to eliminate bullying in our schools do we have to come up with innovative strategies? I say "No"... Let's return to what works. So here are my strategies for eradicating bullies from our school communities.
 1. If you bully, all electronic devices are off limits for the rest of your school year. You need information,,,
 read a book; you need a ride, use the school phone; you want a status, talk to someone face to face.

 2. If you bully you do good old-fashioned manual labor. Put on some gloves and pick up garbage around
 the school. Parents may not argue...if they do they are handed another pair of gloves.

 3.If you bully, you do not return to school until you and your parents writes an apology to the victim. Then
 you hand that apology to the victim in person while looking at them in the eye.

 4.If you bully you will be afraid to tell your parents because the punishment will be worse at home.

 5.If you bully, you don't play sports...your exercise will consist of mowing all your elderly neighbor's
 lawns, and cleaning all three family bathroom floors with a toothbrush, (We were luckier, most of us only
 had one)

 6. If you bully, you will be "Scared Straight".

 7. If you bully, "free time" is a memory.

 8. If you bully, you are assigned a seat in the cafe for the year. Then you stay and clean the cafe after lunch.

 9.  If you bully, you lose all pass privileges. No more bathroom passes...plan better.

 10. If you bully, you stay home with your parents. Sorry parents, you raised them...you fix them.